its funny, the song falling or fallen by Staind (whatever it is) has been stuck in my head since it happened. since he broke up w/ me. he had good reasoning. he doesnt want us to get close for the 4 or5 months that we have before he goes to college and then have to break up w/ me. its for the better (i keep telling myself). i mean the long distant prolly wouldnt work out b/c the tension of very seeing each other and missing each other and all that kind of stuff. but it still hurts, badly. 1st really good guy that i dated and he's gone just like that. at least we are still talking and are friends but ill miss him. i hope we can be good friends during college. like close enough to where we can tell each other everything. ha me and my dreams.

i hate it. so much. i know the moment i get attached to him, the point where i know itll hurt if he leaves me is when itll happen. in a way im so prepared. im not getting to close. not opening up that door all the way. im tired of being hurt. i hate fearing that someday he will find something he absolutely hates about me and just like that he'll be gone. he's so different and special that i dont want it to happen. but this fear, this constant fear is killing me, killing the relationship. i need to relaxe and enjoy. yes he will be gone to college all too soon. but when i think about that i think about how we wont even be together that long. its the devil attacking me, telling me im not good enough. to just give up. i want to be w/ him for he is trully different from all the rest. naomi approves of him and G approves of him which both of them approving is a big deal. that means esther made a right choice somewhere. i want to be w/ him. he makes me happy. but it all just seems too good. like i know itll go bad so i dont even want to put the effort into it. pray for me b/c i really need it. thomas is very special and i plan on being w/ him for as long as i can. mmm he makes me melt! lol. i just have to let go, trust god, hope for the best and have fun w/ life. no worries. just wing it. "life is just trials and errors". very very true. i have to take chances. and im willing to do that. TTFN

today was an overall good day. started off w/ coffee! which always makes it good. but got my grades and wow that was bad. ive never done so bad in my life. like didnt even do this bad in middle school or elementary. why does it seem like the more help i get from people and teachers, the worse i do. i hate that. it can only go uphill from here! the rest of the day went pretty well. thomas is adorable! we walked around the school tonight (holding hands and being inseperable) before he had academic team practice. he kissed me! aww. it surprised me very much and i so melted. lol pathetic i know. he has a walk w/ god!!!! omg. im so happy! and a great relationship w/ his parents (he tells them everything) and his 21 year old sister. woo-hoo. anyway i got home tonight and was really struggling w/ talking to my dad. last night he mad a comment about not liking thomas b/c the whole tutor thing and another guy in my life and ya-da-da. you get the point. i was really upset over it b/c he hasnt even met thomas let alone given him a chance so it hurt me. so after calling christine and talking to her and reviewing my speech to her, i went to go talk to my dad. well we got into the conversation and i told him how i really felt and opened up to him which is a big deal for me since im really not all that close to him. i told him how i was scared to mention thomas around him for fear of his rejection. i told him id be surprised if he ever supported anything i do. just a lot of things came out that have been there for a lil while. i cried as i opened up to him. but i think he understands and i hope something good comes out of this. church was good tonight. i love my church. i love the people there. i miss them so very much. i never get to see beautiful ashley anymore. can u believe the olympics are still going on. i didnt know that they lasted that long. pray for sara. she needs it. time to bounce.....TTFN

im aww so happy right now. saturday night was the sweethearts dance and thomas mair was my date. i went to bob evans before the dance and ate a lil, then on to the dance. he paid for my ticket!!! how cute is that. he was so awesome. i thought it was going to be aqward and what not but turns out that he likes me and we had a good time just trying to dance the whole time. he kept saying how much of a white boy he was and how much he couldnt dance. whatever, like i care. like he has to leave and go to purdue next year. o well. we've been talking a lot lately. its weird, within one week we've started talking more and more and who knows what'll happen out of that. he makes me melt. well im working a double shift today. worked this morning and im working tonight. fun. i dont mind. i love getting more hours. how weird am i. probably the only teenager out there who doesnt mind going to work...who actually prefers going to work. its presidents day! wounder how bush is celebrating. or if he even is. thomas is a guitar player!! i tried to have him over the other night b/c mom said no to us going out on a date. but dad said no so that didnt happen. o well. i did my first sudoku puzzles last night and it only took me 45 min to do. lol. it was even set on easy. ugh school tomorrow. but we only have 63 days of school left. woo-hoo. then ill be a senior and be counting my 180 days down all year. time to bounce. TTFN

i had a really really good blog going and i was so close to being done and posting it but no thats just exactly what the computer didnt want so boom i lost it all. it talked about "him" and how crazy im going and how crazy im driving him. talked about church last night and how powerful and wonderful it was. i love sara to death! it spoke of the upcoming dance on sat. and how stressful of a day that's going to be. it spoke of so much stuff that i cant even remember it all but thats ok. o i think im doing better in school b/c im understanding it so much better now. and i didnt have to ask thomas for help today! but i have to bounce b/c i cant think of everything that was in my "almost blog" and i dont feel like thinking about it. i have spanish hw to do. TTFN.

Happy valentines day! well it was about an hour and a half ago. i got a flower & a card from sara and a card from thomas (my new tutor). yes i have a tutor now. just happened today. i decided it was time to get one since im failing my classes magerly and failed the last few tests ive taken. i got a 56 on a math test and 22 on a chem. test. this is bad! and unhead of, ecspecially the math test. so im getting help. im not looking forward to my grades coming up. friday is the end of the 6 weeks and i wanna die. i got to work tonight. i was really good. michelle and i were up front and she just likes to sit on her butt most of the time so i got a lot done which is what i like to do (stay busy). i was so happy. jill asked me if i wanted to go first or let her go. i told her to let michelle go first and she was happy with my choice telling me that im a better worker than michelle and she likes me better. o and i got 30 hrs. and 40 min of work this week! woo-hoo. havent got that much work in since mom and dad put me on curfew. i broke a plate tonight within one of my moments of frustration. bita was so nice to help me out and clean it up. well tonight is church and im really excited. i really hope sara can come. she probably will. well i dont really have much more to say b/c i cant really think all that well right now. o im taking my b/f (when i get one) to bob evans for a date cause thats just what all the cool people do. i mean how many people go to bob evans for valentines day. apparently more than a couple. so i better bounce cause its 1:30 am. and i still have algebra 2 hw to do and chem hw but thats not due tomorrow. TTFN

wooo im hyper. today ended really well. i thought it was going to be one of those bareable days that you manage to survive through but so far its gotten better and better. this morning was good until 1st period started. i couldnt find my notes so i was halfway paying attention to what she was saying. and plus i was writing as much as i could on notebook paper so i was all like AHH. frustrated just a lil. then i found my notes and by that time she was talking about stuff that was over my head. its like one of those times where you have to listen from the bigging to understand everything thats going on. everyone else understood or so it seemed and i was just so totally lost. i started crying. not outloud or anything but you could see it in my eyes. i wanted to just run away. i wanted to be able to understand what was going on just like everyone else. i hate not being able to understand things in school. i wanted to say stop and tell me everything to make it better. but i didnt. then 2nd period rolled around and for the past few days that class (algebra 2) has been frustrating me. ive always been good at math and caught on really well. but this is just like wow. so ive been getting his help from my teacher but i still have trouble. its quite frustrating ecspecially when he explains it and i understand and then it just leaves me and i dont remember. i have a test tomorrow. fun fun. so that class didnt exactly add anymore excitement to my day. the rest of my day went pretty well. i got really happy and hyper off of my coffee (which im not on right now). then work came along. seth treated me like crap, made me look like a fool in front of everyone b/c he was treating me like a 5 year old. o well thats just stuff you gotta put up w/. then n8 said i didnt like him cause i wasnt seating him (not on purpose). i told him he was right "i dont like you". he's one of those types of guys who all (and i mean all) the girls think is hot and drool all over him. i told him he wasnt hot. he always seems surprised when someone comes along that doesnt drool all over him. he's just another guy. so tonight he was bugging me and i finally sat him and he said "WOO". and he started poking me "dont touch me" i told him. "dont touch you", "dont touch me". probably not use to girls saying that to him. "o come on esther" as he trys to give me a hug. "no" and i walk away from him. then i was bussing a table of his and he grabbed some dishes and came up beside me to the bussing cart and kinda pushed me over with his body (in a nonsexual way). Me:"does somebody need some room, cause you forgot to say excuse me". then he looked at me and asked me when we were going to hang out. i was like!!!! "i have better things to do". but ya he was all playful towards me all night and i just put up w/ it but didnt play back. i guess im all excited b/c it wont happen again. lol. daniel smaked my butt at work today. ooo did that make me mad. he has a g/f and that aint his to be touching. i never ever gave him permission. NO. so it was a good night. i was thinking today...dont u just hate those week (if that long) crush things. like where you totally fall for a guy that you know you'd never date or go out with but your all like: he looked at me (like a total 1st grader going on here). o i found 2 more people for the apartment!!! yes! i dout that itll work but they want to move out when they turn 18 so we started talking and i was like "hey you should stay w/ me, move in with me" and they both were all excited about it so maybe! lol tonight at wal-mart w/ zach, andy, araon, and that one kid yelling help and that guy acting all cool with his salsa. lol so funny. well i gotta bounce. o sara wants to come to church with me now!!! its a miracle and an answer to my prayers. did i say this in yesterdays blog? o well.....TTFN.

tonight was awesome. i went to church and a lot happened there. jake was lifted up and naomi and i both saw visions of him. then i lifted sara up and that was powerful to say the least. i saw visions and felt pain. visions of other people were seen also. but im so confused in a way. confused and hurt and troubled. i believe god has something very powerful for sara and i in life. he wants both of us. he's called her out. i know this for a fact. there's so much that we could do together but there's so much that needs to be brought out from under the rug. i need to tell her everything and im scared but god has shone me that if we work together we will stay together and support one another. we will be greatly and i mean GREATLY rejected. i know i cant do it alone for i will crumble and give into the world. it will hurt very badly b/c a big part of me doesnt want this change. it wants to stay right where its at. i need help getting over it. i (we) have a long road ahead of us. a very long road, with many struggles. prayer is all that can save us. well god to!

well i had a really good blog written all out and then my computer goes flop. so ill try to retype what i had but i know it wont be as good. bane and i talked tonight! woo-hoo. but it was awkward cause i never see him anymore or really talk to him that much anymore. he has very limited min. this month due to his dad's talking skills so he can only talk after 9 and then when i do call him he never seems to pickup the phone. he has this deal where he always leaves his phone at home rather than takes it with him to places which is weird to me cause i take my phone with me everywhere. i would feel naked without it. unless its during school and then i just dont care. dad got on me tonight. mom had asked me to do the dishes and feed the outside cats and when i got home i ate and went and crashed in my brothers room and just chilled. i hadnt forgotten about what i was suppose to do, i just wasnt doing it right away. part of it was being lazy and the other part was me waiting on dad to get done eating so i could do the dishes all at once instead of in spurs. as for taking care of the cats, thats never hard to do and it hardly takes any time at all. but mom called him and said i was suppose to do the dishes not him and he got mad and told me to get off my butt and do my job. it only took me 20 min. to do dishes and cats and then i was ready to go get naomi from drama only to find out that mom was picking her up after she told me she wouldnt. kinda frustrating (AHH). just a lil. we voted for prom king and queen today which is so very stupid. prom is cool and all but who really needs a king and queen. thats basically saying the most popular people in our school get crowns put on their head for being cool. its so stupid. whats new. i voted for sara and southside. lol. that would be fun to say the least. i love you candy and im sry we had that lil disagrement today. i hate fighting with candy cause we've always been there for one another and it hurts to fight. 1 more week until valentines day! i dont have to celebrate it this year. come to think of it ive never had to celebrate it. ive never managed to keep a boyfriend around long enough to celebrate that holiday. surprise. always messing something up. people or just life in general. i was thinking about sparkle today. i tried to talk to him today but that didnt go to hot. sometimes i just wish that i could go up to him and be like "hey there you" and actually have a conversation. i miss him at times. wish that i could just walk up to him, hug him and tell him everything will be alright. i sometimes wish he would just walk up hug me, kiss me and hold me and tell me everything will be ok and how much he misses me. but that'll never happen. my fault again. i cant remember what else i had in my blog but there was more. if i think of it ill type it later. but i gotta bounce.

feeling everything tonight (or so it seems). feeling like a failure, feeling confused, feeling hurt. i know im failing school...my grades prove that. it seems im so tired anymore. feeling like im failing at my job b/c lately ive constantly been taking off work. for strep throat, choir's solo and emsemble which i didnt even sing my solo at ('_'). then im very confused over bane. im probably just over reacting and spazing out about nothing cause that's what i always do but maybe there is something there. ive been ignored since sat. around 3:00. no returned phone calls, no text messages...nothing. but like i said it's probably no big deal and even if it is maybe this is the way things are suppose to happen. maybe this is the end of bane and i (our friendship). though i really hope not. bane is a good friend. never one to pressure anyone into anything. and always good to talk to (when you do get to talk). so sat. was solo and ensemble (and zach's surprise b-day party) (it's a surprise party!) and the large girls ensemble got a first so we are going to state for that...woo-hoo! and the trio consisting of naomi, cadence and i actually placed even though it was bronze. but sat. was basically the first day we practiced together w/out other people singing our parts w/ us. naomi knew her part but cadence and i were iffy on ours. but we had fun. i dropped my solo for i sounded like crap (naomi even said so) and my tonsils hurt which didnt help the matter. hopefully next year ill go to state. today i went to work and came home and crashed. im learning how to become a server which requires me to memorize everything on the menu and ticket sheet. fun. ive been thinking a lot lately about my idea to move out when i turn 18. right now my plans are to get an apartment with friends and split the rent. the only rule i have is that anyone who lives w/ us has a job or someway of paying the bills. i feel bad b/c i love my family and ill miss them but dad already told me that he's not going to pay for college, which i understand, so im going to have to get an apartment when i go to college anyway, b/c im not doing the whole dorm thing, and im not comuting from school to home. so the reasons for moving into an apartment this fall (or next) seem higher than reasons not to. omgosh we have to make a cooking movie for spanish in spanish! definitly something to freak out about. should i retake my classes for academic honors diploma or just be satisfied w/ core 40. im thinking i should retake. i wish i could take summer school. and just balance that with work. i think it would help a lot, but i dont know anything about that. well im off to bath and go to bed. night everyone xoxoxo.

Venting while feeling lost.
strang how the mind works. it seems to me that i am constantly fighting with it or against it. i've been struggling a lot lately in my life as it seems a lot of people are around me. well at least my friends. i know i hang with the wrong crowd but somehow i feel there is a reason for it. i feel so excepted and understood. but i know god understands and excepts me more than any person ever could. i feel so lost and confused. half of me wants to go back to the life i once lived. getting drunk under the spirit of god and knowing that he's real and there for me. but then the other half of me wants to go its own way. at times i feel so pressured into loving god that it just makes me wanna scream. i know people are just trying to help me out and show me the right way but they all want me to act a certain way and do certain things. my friends and coworkers dont understand the love of jesus. they probably have nothing to do with him. sara understands...she's been through a lot with me and i with her. half of me just wants to experiment and try the things ive never tried before. ive never gotten drunk. is it so bad to want this. most people would say yes. i have respect for people who have been through (or put themselves through) what ive been through. that is why i hang out with the people that i do. my friends are crazy. puddles is involved in drugs. (stupid enough to bring some to school.) but so is half of our school. candy gets hit by her mom, she struggles with food, and guys, and her weight. sprinkles has tried to take her life more than once. i will cry so much if she ever succeeds. she has had drugs in her past and a horrible home life. then there are becca and sabra which are my close friends that arent involved in anything more than the normal highschool drama. i love them so much. then there is bane...what can i say about bane. he has been there for me since the moment we met. he's always there to listen to me blabber and vent, and be myself around him. he was there when i was struggling and frustrated with life. he is the only one who doesnt make my choices for me. he says "it's up to you, the choices you make in life are your own and im not going to force you to go one way or another". he's never been like "why do you do that. what were you thinking?" he just says stuff happens. you move on and get over it. he always made me laugh. so i go day by day making the choices that i make wheather good or bad and live and learn. what path will i choose to follow? what path will i feel like i have to follow? will puddles come to school stoned tomorrow? its hard to tell. could i be the light among my friends that will someday guild them onto the right path? so many questions in my mind. its crazy. im hurting so much and yet keeping it all in. so confused and lost. pray for me for tomorrow will bring new choices for me to make and there is a difference between what is right and what i want. god has a plan for me, so why am i happy with this path that i have and am choosing to follow. why?