Anger, the very message that was preached on Sunday morning. It is attacking me. I'm so torn between the lies and the hurt of everyday life. James believes all of his friends and their stupid lies and rumors over me telling him the actual truth. It hurts. I mean he was going to marry me. Now he's saying that I cheated on him. For crying out loud! I loved him. He's lying right to my face about certain stuff. This just makes me want to draw away from him even more. I don't want to talk to him when he calls. I want nothing to do with his hurtfulness. Our baby is the only reason that I can stand to talk to him. What happened to him. He is now the opposite of what he was. I hope and pray that God does a real miracle. I want to talk to him so badly when he calls, but I just can't act like everything is ok and I'm not ready to blow up over the phone. Part of it is just me wanting him to really miss me. Would I love to be back with him.......yes, but will I? No. Not yet. Funny how awkward it is to be thinking about dating again. I'm finding that God is really really really doing a work in my heart. It's fun to flirt, but when it comes down to it my standards are so different and strict.

Ok I need help if anyone can help. As I said yesterday I have started working again. Lil James is watched by Jodee White and she charges me $30 a day. My problem is that I'm only making $7/hour and working 4-5 hours a day which means after taxes being taken out of my check I can't afford Jodee. If I can't afford Jodee then I don't have any money for gas, phone bill, or insurance. Please, please pray.

I stayed home from work today because lil James was not feeling well due to his shots yesterday. I don't understand my workplace. They hire like 5 new servers a week, but never hire any to go people. I started work last Thursday morning. The one thing I realized that I didn't miss was the drama. I have to send my baby back to daycare tomorrow :(.

Time for another update on my life. I'm single as of last Wednesday. Everything seemed so fine and perfect and next thing I know he's ending it. Now the fun stuff starts. Child support, visitations and crap like that. I find that he seems to be a different person since Wednesday. He's more snappy and acts like this is a battle between the two of us. I fear that we will fight the rest of our lives or not really talk at all. I want so badly to remain close (nonromantically) for our son. Please pray that everything works out for the best.