I must write for my mind is going crazy. I was thinking tonight about something. Imagine that! I was thinking... why do we dread, even fear our own fears? Do you fear the fact that you fear something? For instance: when a child is afraid of the dark do they fear being afraid? Do we fear that our fears will take over and possibly control us? Is that child afraid that he/she will fear -be scared of- the darkness of one room for the rest of life? I often think about fears and why...why are they present in life? Do they help or harm? Is there a bigger reason then we know for being afraid of all the little things in life? Elaborate fear with me. One thing I'm not very fond of is spiders. But it amazes me. I love observing and watching how the creatures work and survive and I wonder what it is that I fear when I look upon a spider. I don't like the idea of a spider crawling all over me, jumping on me and whatever else it is that spiders do. Yet I am perfectly fine when a spider crawls across my leg when I'm sitting outside. Another thing...I'm not afraid of tarantulas at all, expect that if I make one mad they could bite me and cause my death -that's all. Nothing to big right? - Lol. But back to my talk of fears. Why do I have this fear? Or should I say discomfort for I feel that it makes me uncomfortable, but doesn't give me or cause a runaway, panic, screaming fear. Why as humans do we fear? Is fear a factor of our mind or is it caused by physical happenings? Fears help and harm us. Where would we be in life without fear? Total ciaos! Because of fear we set guidelines for ourselves. We obey the laws of life -yes because we are suppose to- but don't you also find yourself doing certain things because you fear what will happen if you don't?

O it amazes me how my brain works!! It amazes me how every brain is so complicated with amazingly beautiful thoughts. Each brain is different, yet together we make a world that we can all live in. You know what would be the coolest thing in the world to do? Take a group of people, a large group of people and test and scan their brains. First I would locate a group of friends and scan their brains and see if all the results are relatively the same or if all of them are different, explaining why they balance so well. Then I would test a married couple -both long term and newlyweds- and see the comparison between their brains and how they matched up. Then depending on all of those tests I would take the rest of my large group of people and -keeping in mind that they are all strangers and have never met or seen each other before- I would put certain people together in an environment with certain brain patterns and see if they interact. Do they meet? Do they become friends? How fast is the process? Is there a perfect combination of brain patterns that always go together with one another or are the patterns of interacting brains constantly changing just like everything around us?

Until later....

Just got home from work! I only worked this weekend (which is a mixed blessing). When do I ever turn down hours? Ha, yeah that's right!!! This weekend was amazing. Worked all night friday, 8.5-9 hours on Saturday and this morning. I even got to buss tables!!! Happy moments going on in my head. Well I thought I would say hi before I go pass out in a beautiful realm of sleep. I love you all! until later.....

Our choir concert was tonight! It went well. Very short, which was nice. Mom’s birthday was today. #47! She is so amazing. The rock in my life, besides God. Surely the world would be a horrible place without mothers. I find myself longing, wanting, and dying to be closer to God. To feel the undying love that he surrounds all of us with. Life is not about people and objects, although the world would be different without everything that surrounds us. We speak wisdom to one another, for the differences make us wiser in the eyes of those who listen. I thought tonight about my future -which is nothing new-. After the concert was through and done an older lady with an incredibly sweet spirit and an intelligent soul approached me, grabbing me by the arm and asking "you really enjoy singing don't you?" I smiled and replied with all honesty "yes, I love to sing." "I could tell. I would love to hear you sing by yourself someday." My heart was touched as I watched her walk away. She didn't know me, but she could see my passion. I have been getting better and better as I play the guitar in my free time. My voice longs to sing the melodies within my mind. God has given me a gift and someday I hope you hear it.

So many thoughts lately. My mind feels as though it could burst if I don't write them all down. What would a book be if it contained all the thoughts of ones brain?

Thoughts of Africa and other countries in the world filled my mind today. My plans are to finish my schooling and eventually become a surgeon possibly a neurosurgeon -for the brain amazes me beyond belief-. I would love to stay in the United States working with the best technology and making a satisfactory life for myself. But would I be satisfied? My patients would be grateful for the work that I do, but my mind goes to those less fortunate than I. Let me live among the less fortunate. Their pain, suffering, and gratefulness to have each day of life is so raw and real. The money is nothing. God is everything. He has spoken the prophecy that I will preach someday. I know not whether I will become a preacher, but in some form or another I will share the glory of God. Draw me closer to you for I am so far away. Be the decision maker of my life. It is not the fear of hell that draws me to God, but something much deeper. A passion, a longing.

I must go for the songs are beginning to play in my head and I must write them down. Hopefully I can find the strumming of the guitar that goes along with the song in my head. Another song!!!

Until later....

It's amazing how fast life goes by us. I feel like I just got done talking about James and now we aren't even together! We talked last night and just decided to end it. Surprisingly I'm very totally ok with it. I'm happy and content. It must have been God's will. You know what... a relationship is something to learn from, for both people. Ha something funny from today...when my friend asked me how everything was going in my relationship I told them that it wasn't. They asked what happened and I simply said that we decided to end it. They then asked the universal question of who ended it, him or me. I laughed inside as I thought about the little tiny things in life that don't really matter. Why do people ask questions like that? Do they automatically see the "dumper" as a bad person and have more compassion for the "dumpee". It amazes me how our brains work. Little tiny details in life that we all find so important. Well I thought I would give you a little bit of an update in my life. until later.....
Isn't God amazing!!!

Did I tell you about my baby. aka my man. His name is James and I completely adore him. He works at Montana Mikes, terribly yummy, very nice, has almost everything in common w/ me....well maybe not! lol now that I think about it. We both like our food (about) the same way. We both like the same kinds of food. He loves to cook, he can sew (don't tell anybody!). He's extremely supportive, very hard worker and guess what, GUESS WHAT!!!! quote on quote "God is the rock in my life". HE LOVES GOD!!! and follows him. He goes to Wilkinson Church of Christ. what can I say...altogether good package in one. He is also very close to his dad and talks to him every other day if not everyday. I get to meet his parents Tuesday!!! AHH! definitely freaking out about that. in a good way. I could probably talk all day about him! wanna know a secret. rhetorical question cause I'm going to tell you whether you want to hear it or not! I'm scared to death. scared to get close to him. scared of being hurt. scared of someone who actually might want to be with me for a long period of time. (he's already talking about Thanksgiving and Christmas with me and throwing me a huge graduation party). scared because I'm so happy with him. but everyday that goes by I become less and less afraid, letting him into my life and getting to know everything and I do mean everything about him. surely this can't be a man who will knock down some of the walls that I have built in my life. I don't want to let my walls down. They are my safety. I don't want to be happy. It's happened so many times before....happy (very happy) with someone and the next day they dump me or break my heart. It seems that I have gotten use to it. but with him its seems different. for the first time I don't have to give myself excuses for something that I find wrong. With him I'm not telling myself "this is all I deserve". He's going to start coming to church with me! and I will be going to his church with him. let me ask you something. Have you ever had a man/woman (depending on who reads this) who wants to do nothing but stare at you for hours doing nothing else but looking into your eyes? James does this to me. I tell him he's melting me and he says "melt because I'm never going to get tired of just looking at you". When we look at each other nothing has to be said, no kiss has to be made. Our eyes talk to one another. ok ok I'm shutting up!!!!! except to say that we don't love each other. not yet. I won't say it and he won't either. we both know that love is a terribly terribly serious thing. Those three words are overused. and I will wait a thousand years if that's what it takes till I say I love you to any man. until later..........