feeling everything tonight (or so it seems). feeling like a failure, feeling confused, feeling hurt. i know im failing school...my grades prove that. it seems im so tired anymore. feeling like im failing at my job b/c lately ive constantly been taking off work. for strep throat, choir's solo and emsemble which i didnt even sing my solo at ('_'). then im very confused over bane. im probably just over reacting and spazing out about nothing cause that's what i always do but maybe there is something there. ive been ignored since sat. around 3:00. no returned phone calls, no text messages...nothing. but like i said it's probably no big deal and even if it is maybe this is the way things are suppose to happen. maybe this is the end of bane and i (our friendship). though i really hope not. bane is a good friend. never one to pressure anyone into anything. and always good to talk to (when you do get to talk). so sat. was solo and ensemble (and zach's surprise b-day party) (it's a surprise party!) and the large girls ensemble got a first so we are going to state for that...woo-hoo! and the trio consisting of naomi, cadence and i actually placed even though it was bronze. but sat. was basically the first day we practiced together w/out other people singing our parts w/ us. naomi knew her part but cadence and i were iffy on ours. but we had fun. i dropped my solo for i sounded like crap (naomi even said so) and my tonsils hurt which didnt help the matter. hopefully next year ill go to state. today i went to work and came home and crashed. im learning how to become a server which requires me to memorize everything on the menu and ticket sheet. fun. ive been thinking a lot lately about my idea to move out when i turn 18. right now my plans are to get an apartment with friends and split the rent. the only rule i have is that anyone who lives w/ us has a job or someway of paying the bills. i feel bad b/c i love my family and ill miss them but dad already told me that he's not going to pay for college, which i understand, so im going to have to get an apartment when i go to college anyway, b/c im not doing the whole dorm thing, and im not comuting from school to home. so the reasons for moving into an apartment this fall (or next) seem higher than reasons not to. omgosh we have to make a cooking movie for spanish in spanish! definitly something to freak out about. should i retake my classes for academic honors diploma or just be satisfied w/ core 40. im thinking i should retake. i wish i could take summer school. and just balance that with work. i think it would help a lot, but i dont know anything about that. well im off to bath and go to bed. night everyone xoxoxo.