Venting while feeling lost.
strang how the mind works. it seems to me that i am constantly fighting with it or against it. i've been struggling a lot lately in my life as it seems a lot of people are around me. well at least my friends. i know i hang with the wrong crowd but somehow i feel there is a reason for it. i feel so excepted and understood. but i know god understands and excepts me more than any person ever could. i feel so lost and confused. half of me wants to go back to the life i once lived. getting drunk under the spirit of god and knowing that he's real and there for me. but then the other half of me wants to go its own way. at times i feel so pressured into loving god that it just makes me wanna scream. i know people are just trying to help me out and show me the right way but they all want me to act a certain way and do certain things. my friends and coworkers dont understand the love of jesus. they probably have nothing to do with him. sara understands...she's been through a lot with me and i with her. half of me just wants to experiment and try the things ive never tried before. ive never gotten drunk. is it so bad to want this. most people would say yes. i have respect for people who have been through (or put themselves through) what ive been through. that is why i hang out with the people that i do. my friends are crazy. puddles is involved in drugs. (stupid enough to bring some to school.) but so is half of our school. candy gets hit by her mom, she struggles with food, and guys, and her weight. sprinkles has tried to take her life more than once. i will cry so much if she ever succeeds. she has had drugs in her past and a horrible home life. then there are becca and sabra which are my close friends that arent involved in anything more than the normal highschool drama. i love them so much. then there is bane...what can i say about bane. he has been there for me since the moment we met. he's always there to listen to me blabber and vent, and be myself around him. he was there when i was struggling and frustrated with life. he is the only one who doesnt make my choices for me. he says "it's up to you, the choices you make in life are your own and im not going to force you to go one way or another". he's never been like "why do you do that. what were you thinking?" he just says stuff happens. you move on and get over it. he always made me laugh. so i go day by day making the choices that i make wheather good or bad and live and learn. what path will i choose to follow? what path will i feel like i have to follow? will puddles come to school stoned tomorrow? its hard to tell. could i be the light among my friends that will someday guild them onto the right path? so many questions in my mind. its crazy. im hurting so much and yet keeping it all in. so confused and lost. pray for me for tomorrow will bring new choices for me to make and there is a difference between what is right and what i want. god has a plan for me, so why am i happy with this path that i have and am choosing to follow. why?