Anger, the very message that was preached on Sunday morning. It is attacking me. I'm so torn between the lies and the hurt of everyday life. James believes all of his friends and their stupid lies and rumors over me telling him the actual truth. It hurts. I mean he was going to marry me. Now he's saying that I cheated on him. For crying out loud! I loved him. He's lying right to my face about certain stuff. This just makes me want to draw away from him even more. I don't want to talk to him when he calls. I want nothing to do with his hurtfulness. Our baby is the only reason that I can stand to talk to him. What happened to him. He is now the opposite of what he was. I hope and pray that God does a real miracle. I want to talk to him so badly when he calls, but I just can't act like everything is ok and I'm not ready to blow up over the phone. Part of it is just me wanting him to really miss me. Would I love to be back with him.......yes, but will I? No. Not yet. Funny how awkward it is to be thinking about dating again. I'm finding that God is really really really doing a work in my heart. It's fun to flirt, but when it comes down to it my standards are so different and strict.

Ok I need help if anyone can help. As I said yesterday I have started working again. Lil James is watched by Jodee White and she charges me $30 a day. My problem is that I'm only making $7/hour and working 4-5 hours a day which means after taxes being taken out of my check I can't afford Jodee. If I can't afford Jodee then I don't have any money for gas, phone bill, or insurance. Please, please pray.

I stayed home from work today because lil James was not feeling well due to his shots yesterday. I don't understand my workplace. They hire like 5 new servers a week, but never hire any to go people. I started work last Thursday morning. The one thing I realized that I didn't miss was the drama. I have to send my baby back to daycare tomorrow :(.

Time for another update on my life. I'm single as of last Wednesday. Everything seemed so fine and perfect and next thing I know he's ending it. Now the fun stuff starts. Child support, visitations and crap like that. I find that he seems to be a different person since Wednesday. He's more snappy and acts like this is a battle between the two of us. I fear that we will fight the rest of our lives or not really talk at all. I want so badly to remain close (nonromantically) for our son. Please pray that everything works out for the best.

James is a month old today! I can't believe it. Time flew by. It seems like just yesterday I was giving birth and realizing that my life was totally different. It makes me treasure my time with him even more, knowing that within the blink of an eye he will be grown and gone. 8 more months and I will be getting married. It drives me crazy loving him so much and not getting to spend more time with him. OOhh.......I can't wait till I get to decorate our apartment!! It's going to be so weird going back to work. I'll be serving when I go back. August 16th is when J will be 6 weeks old, but James doesn't want me to go back to work till September 1st. I'll probably wait till then, but I haven't decided quite yet. August 17th is James' birthday and guess what we're doing....skydiving!!! He also wants to go canoeing or to Kings' Island (whichever works out) on the 16th.

Beautiful days pass by as James Daniel grows and gets older. He is 17 days old today. I don't want him to grow up :(. I'm planning my wedding. James and I are so excited. I wish the wedding could happen tomorrow. Why April? Well the weather for one (Febuary and March can be nasty weather), and because James will have some benifits and vacation time by then. Isn't God amazing! Ahh.....crying baby to take care of!

As a pregnant woman the emotions begin to flair. Everything seems so out of proportion that it's driving me insane. I officially lost it last night at work and had an emotional breakdown! I hate crying in front of certain people, but last night I bawled in front of everyone. lol. Funny to think about. I cried all night long, crying myself to sleep. As I said...silly emotions. Sometimes I wish (as I'm sure every woman does) that I could spend the last few months of my pregnancy someplace exotic with not a care in the world. So what is the latest news.... Well James and I have been talking and he announced to me that he knows when and how and where he's going to propose to me! Throughout our talks he has told me that he wants us to be married by the time lil James turns 1. Did I tell you that already? I can't remember. But we were talking about money and our financial situations and he said that he would like to use the money from next years tax check for our wedding. So who knows. We could be talking anywhere between March and July. Married at the age of 19. That scares me more than I would like to tell. But I love him. How do I know? You just know. As long as God is the foundation of our lives we'll be alright.